I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My life is pants optional.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
