Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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