Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
