no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
how drunk are you?
Several
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
