Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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