Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize