just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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