I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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