New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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