Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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