Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize