apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
