Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
