so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
