If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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