Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
pop tarts are not kleenex
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
