I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
