...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Randomize
