dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
