Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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