well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
