I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
