got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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