you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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