i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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