September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
