Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
