Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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