That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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