Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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