Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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