if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
