Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
