My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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