someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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