Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
