On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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