your parents love me but you hate me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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