That's intense
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize