Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
