There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
