I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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