My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I FOUND THE LEGS
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
