I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
