Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize