Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
