My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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