Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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