After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
