My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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