I can tuck mytits in my pants
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
