Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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