Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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