Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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