jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
