What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
