next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
