shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
