just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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