i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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