just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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