On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
