every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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