You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dear god my vagina.
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